Between the Darkness and the Light

Fathers day came and went yesterday (I honestly don’t know why the date is different from country to country, but it is).

I was honestly a bit worried about it.

I was worried that I would scroll around on Facebook and see numerous of posts made about dads  and how they are so kind, caring and nice to their children. Photos of dads with their children, smiling – being happy. I was especially worried about posts about dads my own age and how I would react. I know a lot of them by the looks of it (yeah, I did scroll a little). So I worried about that Friday and Saturday. Worried that it would bring me down in jealousy and very real feelings of failure. Why they get so much attention while no one mentions me or say anything about me. It feels like I am not worthy or good enough. Not as kind, caring or supportive. And sure, that ain’t true, but it still pokes my feelings that way.

I was worried it would remind me all too well of what I have been through. Worried about how letting down my mother would be a present feeling all day. Worried that my girlfriend would notice as well. But in the end, I guess it was more about actually being scared that something *could* happen to my psyche instead of it actually happening. Like actually developing a migraine because you are shit scared of getting one in the first place.

It would have been different if I had been all alone that day, but I was with people that I care about. I was kept occupied, and had little time to think about it. I did alright. It was actually when I started to think about why the day turned out alright I got bummed out, and let’s forget the bad dreams at night. They often happen anyway. It doesn’t count.

I thought of telling my girlfriend that I had been worried about Fathers Day and how it all went pretty well in the end, but in the end – I didn’t. I don’t really tell her much about this at all. Not like with my ex where I opened up like a flood. I guess I learned to keep my mouth quiet. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not, but if taking a left turn last time around resulted in shit happening, I take a right turn this time and hope for the best.

So, happy belated Fathers Day to you guys and fuck all of you. 😉

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The Long, Twilight Struggle

You accused me of being grumpy when I came into work.

I replied I wasn’t grumpy or annoyed or even mad.

Sometimes I have a lot to think about; I am disappointed with the choice I made of who to love and be with, and I am frightened about doing them again. I am worried that I will not feel or be fulfilled, and that I will constantly, for the rest of my life, walk around with a feeling that I can only describe as a heartache that will never end for as long as I live. You know I read that one time? That having no children and wishing you had children feels like a never-ending heartbreak? Like when your 17 and your boyfriend dumps you and you think you will never get over it? Only that for me, due to what happened, it will never go away? It scares me. And I often wonder where all this came from? It wasn’t something of an issue that occupied me at all when I was younger. It was only when it was taken away from it dawned on me. When did I become like this?

But hey, I have control now. I am not pouring my heart out to my girlfriend about it. I shy away from it. I do not feel like escaping life by looking up B&Bs somewhere along  the British southern coastline, go down there alone and lock myself in that room and hide from society. But even if I keep myself in order, I have periods of feeling worried and sad. That’s what you see when I come into work with a strict face, few words and a couple of deep sighs. I am not grumpy. I am just worried about life. Disappointed with the past, and scared about the future. Maybe this is how it is when you grow old and more than before look back at your life and judge your actions? Suddenly I have a whole decade to look back upon as an adult. No wonder I am worried.

I am not grumpy. I am frightened, disappointed and worried.