There is one experience I’ve had I find extremely peculiar. I would like to write it down before the memory gets too old, and I start to question the reality of it. It has not happened before or since, and it did not happen at the time when I (perhaps) needed it the most. I find that interesting. If it was all in my mind, why wouldn’t this phenomenon have come at the time when I was asking for it? Because I sort of was later on. I was begging for it come back. But it didn’t. It sort of came unexpectedly, stayed, and then left again. I have no other explenation for it. Just to write this down feels weird because the entire feeling or essence of it is so weird I have a hard time understanding it or reflecting on it. I want it to be true, but I can’t say it was true. But then again, what is truth? Millions of people walk around this Earth thinking God is truth. That this entity truly exists and no one raises an eyebrow because of it. But, I have another story – and if all these people can boast their belief like that, why can’t I tell my story?
I don’t know when exctly it happened, but it was some time in the spring of 2016, and it stayed with me for a month or two. I was still living in my old home, with my now ex-wife. I had not done anything yet about moving and so on. No one knew what was going on except for a dear friend of mine. I just carried on my life as normal, but I was using my brain extensively to come up with some form of solution to everything that would make sure I came out alright. I didn’t really know what was in front of me. I expected things to be easier than it was in the end as well.
But something happened during those days of spring. I could feel someone else around me. I didn’t see anyone, but I had this peculiar feeling of a presence. I felt it was a grandmother personality, and I was so sure that I knew who it was; my grandmother on the mother side. And through those days I was overrun by love and care that (to me) felt like it came from somewhere else than myself. Her love and care went through me, and out the physical way of me. A deep care for my own mother appeared like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was like she reflected herself through me. It was all new to me. At that point it was like I was coming to know my grandmother again, and better than I had been when she was alive. It was a very strange feeling. When writing this, I have a hard time simply using the right words for what came over me.
Driving home from my parents place a Saturday evening, I was thinking about how they didn’t know anything about what was going on in regards to my wife and so on, and like lightning a sentence just hit me; «But I know whats going on!». It was like she spoke to me. I guess to comfort me, to tell me she was there and that I could find support in her. I have no other word for it. It was like my physical body was being used to mirror her love for me, for the family and for my mother.
Like I said, it has not happened before or since. Even if the days after the experience was worse. It did not come back when my daughter was born either. It was just those weeks in the spring of 2016. I can’t call upon that entity or feeling. It came, stayed with me and then left – and it told me it was my grandmother. I can’t evoke it again.
Most people would choose to believe it, or choose to reject it. I choose neither. I take it for what it is. An experience. Was it real or was it just my brain playing tricks? It doesn’t matter, because it helped me. And it was a great experience. I hope to have it again some day. I leave everything else open.
But, if it was like my soul tells me – I give her my warmest thanks. I noticed you, and I felt you. Thank you. I miss you.