There are moments and certain feelings that these moments generate that I find peculiar. The thing is, I thought I was done with them, and I struggle to understand why they are still there. Especially with a pregnancy at week 36 when I’m preparing for a new lifestyle.
I attended a birthday yesterday. When things had settled down a bit, her mother and my girlfriend started to look at old pictures of her 8 year old son. There were photos in there with this 8 year old together with my girlfriends 8 year old. They were talking about the past; the baby days. Both with a certain nostalgic feel and wonder. I had a hard time adapting because my girlfriend had just replied with negativity about her current pregnancy and how she dreaded «starting all over». And, suddenly she’s talking about the past with such wonders in her voice. I can’t really say I understand any of it. It’s for another story I guess.
The peculiar thing though is that my heart just sank when they spoke about it. I have a hard time understanding why. Back then, when these kids were babies, I was contempt and felt I had a good life. Why does it in hinsight feel like a black hole? Just a dark abyss? Am I jealous? They are not my kids, so why should I be?
No, I think it’s more a feeling of missing someone that should have been there at the same time. The one that never existed. I honestly thought these feelings would go away once I came into this position of becoming a father, but no, they are still there. Just lurking in the background. Coming forward at times when I am not prepared and sometimes I even call upon them by playing certain songs that reminds me of something that never existed. I can’t find any other explenation for it. But, this is not same as «baby fever». There was a 6 month old baby at this birthday party as well, and my girlfriend asked me afterwards if, by looking at the baby, I caught a case of «baby-fever». I can honestly say I did not. I don’t think men function the same way as women with these things. No, there were no specific feelings when I looked at the baby or anything like that. I am not some crazed out baby fever individuall who has some sort of baby hype on his mind. My feelings came when they were talking about the times when their kids were babies. And the feelings were sad, dark, bottomless and lonely. And what is this really? Why?
I have come to the conclusion that this pregnancy won’t correct the past. It might fill a void, and my instincts and happiness will be there because of it and what it is. But it won’t fill the place of the other. There will always be two; the one that exist and will eventually smile at me and call me daddy – and yet there will be another. The one that never existed. The bottomless darkness of missing someone that should have been there. I think thats where it comes from, my feelings when they reminisce of the old days.