My life has changed so abruptly that I desperately seek experiences or things that comes from what once was. Almost like a person involved in the paranormal, trying to find feelings, items or places that can be connected to a former life. Because that’s what it feels like. And, the joy and happiness if I am to find something that reminds me of the person I was once – and still are.
A few days ago I hung a photo on the wall in our home. Wait, let me correct that; her home. It’s really her home. I put the photo up and I stared at it with wonder. Like an artefact from days long gone. Like a rope that connects two lifelines together. I was happy.
Yesterday I went to soccer practice. It’s my team. I created this so many years ago. Together with a friend I’ve managed this club for nine years. Nine years. I haven’t been there playing with them for over a month. They greeted me back with open arms. It felt like I just stepped back into a previous life. Like meeting old friends, long gone and forgotten. And, suddenly they were all there. I was myself again. This is what I was – and still is. It felt like coming home.
I have so few things intact from my previous life. Just fractions. Sometimes not even my interests are intact. One of them, in all seriousness, have to be hushed up because she doesn’t want to know about it. She doesn’t know shit about it, but she doesn’t want to know. And so, as I usually does, I go on the offensive and dig into this forbidden subject even more than normal. Who knows, it might just end up being a book just to spite her.
My dogs. Another lifeline back into to the old days almost torn to pieces. I’ve lost most of my relationship to my eldest dog. She doesn’t fit in. The younger dog, my confidante above all. My lovely dog. I talk about her and my eyes swell up. I wasn’t that moved even when my daughter was born. I held my own then. But for my little dog I feel I have left behind. I have disappointed her in my vanishing. The little dog who gave me all this unconditional love, and I return her love by disappearing – only to appear from time to time. She screams of joy when I come see her. I feel so guilty of leaving her behind.
I fight for what I am. What I used to be. To bring my old self into my new self. Photos, football, dogs… To make people understand. The feeling of sadness when I’m surrounded by people who don’t really know me. Don’t know my story. The new me. My new life. Like I was just born.